Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
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Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Just had my nails done!
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
notice
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
*pronounces UPS like yoops
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.