I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
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My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
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I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal