I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
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🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Weirdos gonna weird.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”