Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
You Might Also Like
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
i love meeting boys on tinder
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Sniffing the broccoli
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school