In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
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[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
oppen heimer style lol
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.