Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
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I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I am never leaving this website
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream