Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
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Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
True statement👍😏😁
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.