Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring