*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
You Might Also Like
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Free him
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go