the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
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Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
*aggressively waits in line*
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Match dot com, but for socks.