[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
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8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..