I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
You Might Also Like
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
BETRAYAL
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.