BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
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Me: Same.