humans only use 10% of their treadmills
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friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.