Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
You Might Also Like
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
#Thanos #MondayMood
guilty
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first