Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
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When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
How is it still this week?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri