The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
u spoke cat all this time??????
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
cyclists
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?