A baby bear catches snowflakes.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.