Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
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Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Need this in my life lol
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…