for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Kermit goes Blue.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
oh you wanna fight?!
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this