Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
You Might Also Like
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Squirrels before girls.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name