[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
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Jogging
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Respect
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it