90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
FINE, I WON’T.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro