Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
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her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.