I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
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Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
where do you see yourself in five years?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.