Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
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*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*