[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
You Might Also Like
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear