I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
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Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer