assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
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[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.