Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
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What even happened today?
The three genders.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since