What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.