The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
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I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS