If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
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Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”