A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
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Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
So that’s what we looked like?
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
going to the ER y’all need anything
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”