ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
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The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.