Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
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On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Just a bush.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?