When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
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My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I ate everything, including the H.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Best mom ever 😂
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.