added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
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Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches