Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
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Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Every work call, he judges.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?