Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
You Might Also Like
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..