fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
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People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Aight bet
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Mad Max: Furry Road