IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
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[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls