as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Holy moly
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.