*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
You Might Also Like
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Seems kinda suspicious
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.