Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
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I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Only a mother’s love …
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no