9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
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[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then