My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
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We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.