When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
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“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
#TopTip
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..