Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.