I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
You Might Also Like
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot